There has been a discussion among my fellow hypnotists at HypnoThoughts.com about Forgiveness Therapy. Some interesting thoughts have come up in the process. Reading the discussion thread led me to this newsletter topic idea. This can be done without hypnosis, yes, but the addition of hypnosis or self-hypnosis makes it even more powerful.

As a Christian, I have a strong belief in the importance of forgiveness. Not everyone sees things the same way; people who have been hurt deeply by others in the past often do not want to forgive them because they feel that’s letting them off the hook. That it means you’re saying they’re an okay person and you shouldn’t remember what they did or take that into consideration.

That couldn’t be farther from the truth.

Forgiveness isn’t about the other person so much as it’s about you. When you forgive someone, you’re not saying they did nothing wrong. By forgiving them, you’re saying that they no longer “owe” you anything.

When someone owes a lot of money to a creditor, the creditor can go after them with all guns blazing, taking them to court, harassing them with phone calls, sending threatening letters, or … they can forgive the debt. Factually, the debt did exist. They were owed money and interest. But because repayment couldn’t happen–maybe the debtor didn’t have the money because of losing his job–they chose to not waste time and resources trying to achieve something that was never–never–going to happen. Instead, they legally wiped the slate clean and said the debt was no more.

There are still consequences for the debtor, of course. But they no longer have a negative tie with that creditor. The creditor no longer demands anything from them. At the same time, they can’t necessarily go back to the creditor and request a new loan and expect it to be granted. That would just be silly.

When you withhold forgiveness, you’re acting like a creditor constantly hounding the poor guy who owes you money. Spending valuable time and energy on recovering the money, when the guy doesn’t have the money to give you. You can say the one who hurt you owes you an apology or needs to make it up to you or … but most of the time, that’s an unrealistic expectation. They either won’t apologize or can’t.

Move on with your life and let them go.

That’s what forgiveness is for. They’re still the same people that hurt other people. They’re still the kind of people that run up bad debt. But now you’re not wasting time and energy on a fruitless task. Now you can redirect all that energy into something more positive.

A Simple Process

Here’s a quick way to start the process of forgiving someone who’s hurt you:

1. Go into trance. Use whatever process you’re comfortable with to relax and go into a state of self-hypnosis. I have a short guide written by a friend of mine linked to here: Light Switch Self Hypnosis.
2. Imagine being in a safe place, where a discussion can happen with no danger to either party. Make it as real as you can; smell the scents around you, hear the sounds of your shoes on the ground or floor, feel your clothes, the breeze (if any), the chair (if any), etc.
3. Now place the person who hurt you opposite you. If you’re seated, have them be seated across from you. If you’re standing, have them stand across from you. You get the idea.
4. Engage in dialogue with them. Tell them everything you’ve been wanting to tell them about how they hurt you, how it made you feel, how it affected your life, etc. They don’t get to talk yet, so have at it.
5. When you’re done, it’s their turn. Listen to what they have to say about why they did what they did. You might be surprised at what comes up. Even though this is only your unconscious filling in the blanks, you might find an insight you weren’t consciously aware of. Some people doing this had distant and harsh parents when growing up, and found that they understood unconsciously that they were doing that because they didn’t know how to love, or because times were hard and they were working five jobs and had no energy for their kids, etc. Just like they didn’t get to talk during your turn, you don’t get to talk during theirs.
6. Your turn again. Think about what came up and notice how it changes your understanding of the situation. What do you want or need to say to them now?
7. You can go back and forth like this for a bit, but try not to let it go on more than 3 rounds (or you’ll end up spending all your time just going back and forth and not getting anywhere). Once you’ve reached a satisfactory point, tell them you forgive them. They may have already asked you for forgiveness during your dialogue, but if they haven’t, go ahead and tell them anyway. Use your new understanding and send them love. Maybe you now understand how they themselves were hurt, and you feel compassion. Or maybe you understand they just don’t know how to be different, and you feel compassion. Send that to them and feel it. You can’t feel compassion and hate at the same time.
8. Now imagine a cord running between the two of you, tying you to them and vice versa. Do whatever it takes to cut that cord. You don’t need that negative connection anymore. They don’t owe you anything and you don’t need to let what they did continue to affect you. So cut the cord. Burn it. Melt it. Whatever works for you.
9. Allow yourself to feel peace and comfort, while watching them leave or disappear (again, whichever works for you), then re-alert yourself and exit the trance.

Okay, so maybe that’s not necessarily quick, but it works. It’s a version of Chair Therapy, done entirely within your own mind. Though if you want to actually set up two chairs in a room and do it that way, more power to you.

Let me know what you think and feel free to leave a comment!

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